What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink