I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
No chill.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers