I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
That lamp looks PISSED.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
goldfish mafia