Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
never forget
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two