Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.