Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
