Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream