Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
sigh
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.