I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.