To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You Might Also Like
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Happy thanksgiving!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
what’s more important?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”