RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
technically true but not a great slogan
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Breaking news:
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
WWE is French for “yes”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir