“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
This is the one
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
When you try jalapeños for the first time