Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I can’t stop laughing at this
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.