me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You Might Also Like
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.