Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m awake but I object,
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep