I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great