9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.