*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Tuesday
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
wtf is a larm clock?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.