My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.