I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
You Might Also Like
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
yeah 😭
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..