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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)