I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Expect the unexporcupine.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*