Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*