I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
having children is a pyramid scheme.