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Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?