[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You Might Also Like
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie