[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday