[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Huge, if true.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.