Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Trumpy Cat
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭