[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Fight
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail