“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Does beer think about me too?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what