If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to tip your server
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
best first i’ve ever seen
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator