Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
You Might Also Like
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”