After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You Might Also Like
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.