About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
You Might Also Like
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The real reason evolution started..😂
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.