Me buying fruit and veg
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
im 7 sauces long
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”