I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You Might Also Like
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When ur friends with white people
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.