I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Only Americans understand
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m being attacked 😭
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
When news reporters do sports stories
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.