People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My Guy
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
my first day as a raccoon
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area