I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
greetings!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.