optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“The Perfect Relationship”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.