Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
We all have our pet causes.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Jurassic park gets weird
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.