Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?