[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
This is painfully accurate 😅
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Time for evil
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.