Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“TGIM!” – My liver
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
This kid will have a bright future.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.