Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.