Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
This headline is a thing of beauty
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.