7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.