Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.