I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
incredible text to wake up to
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Ken is short for chicken
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….